Wise Guys Cooking presents Great Philosophers.

Professor Linguini 4 Segments CAPELOTO / DELROSE

WISE GUYS COOKING Mike Colonna 714-747-5670 PROFESSOR LINGUIINI 1

LARRY CAPELOTO Today we will witness one of the great minds of this century. Professor Giovanni Linguini. This lecture is part of a great course series. These subjects were carefully selected by our Wise Guys. This integrated History of life as we know it. Professor Linguini studied at the prestigious university in Bologna, Italy. He earned his PHD in Baloney. Let’s welcome world renown Professor Giovanni Linguini. Sits next to Larry Capeloto

LINGUINI Thank you Mr. Capeloto. CAPELOTO Professor why do you wear Tennis Shoes? Why do I wear tennis shoes. That’s two questions. Do I wear tennis shoes? LINGUINI The answer to that is, Yes. Why? That’s a question philosophers have been pondering for centuries. You know Mr. Capeloto, You can go a long way with a smile, You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun. His words haunt me everyday. CAPELOTO Well said. LINGUINI Always remember, Borrow from your friends, and when they ain’t got any more money, make new friends. CAPELOTO That’s great advice. LINGUINI I don’t believe that our Governor of Illinois was a crook, If he was, he’d still be in office. I am a believer in Wall Street and the stock market, my advice is when your IQ rises to 28, sell! CAPELOTO Spoken like a great philosoper.

LINGUINI I told my wife the other night everyone hates me. She said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn’t met me. I had a brief meeting with my shrink the other day. I said Doc I don’t know what my problem is, one day I think I’m a wigwam, the net day I think I’m a teepee. He said Linguini face it you’re 2 tense! LUIGI My dear father Pasquale told me, son an apple a day keeps anyone away. If you throw it hard enough. LINGUINI You know I’ve always wondered, as intelligent people, of which I know you all are, we know the sound of two hands clapping what’s the sound of one hand clapping?

LINGUINI In this vast universe we live in, we are all problem solvers, I’ve been thinking, instead of calling the bathroom the John, try calling it the Jim, that way you can say you’re going to the Jim every morning. LINGUINI/b> We are all into gadgets these days, I phones, flash drives, and ladies that ladies that guide you when your driving. I was driving bad the other day and the GPS lady says “after 300 feet, stop, and let me out.” Thank you for being here to listen to my fantastic oration. I have a Podcast on the cartoon network where I educate youngsters in the area of logic and or making sense out of nonsense. Remember, I before E, except in Budweiser and another thing not to forget, Without this great land of ours, we would all drown! Again, Thank you for your ability to sit here and learn, and don’t forget that behind every big man there’s a big behind. LINGUINI I will answer a few questions from Your audience before I leave for a quick lunch. Yes, you sir. CAPELOTO Professor how did you make out in the Check kiting charge here in Chicago a few years back.

LINGUINI Well, as you know my third wife, who is no longer with us, handled all of my finances, so I defer to her. CAPELOTO How many times have you been married. LINGUINI Let’s see, no more than five times. My wives all died of natural causes. Tina, number one died in an earthquake, Maria, wife 2, died in a hurricane, Josephine, number 3, died in a tidal wave, Marcella, number 4, died in a thunder storm, and my fifth wife ran away with my best friend. CAPELOTO Have you traveled to the Middle East. LINGUINI/b> As a matter of fact I also studied in Tel Aviv, at their famous University Oy Vey U. There we learned how the ancient Hebrews made brick for their walled cities out of “Matza.” I think that’s enough, don’t you, how do you get our of here?

WISE GUYS COOKING LINGUINI 2

CAPELOTO Again we have the unique pleasure of hosting one of the brilliant minds from the University of Bologna, Italy. He is a keen knowledge of world history and was awarded the wold famous BIZARRE AWARD. We have a panel of distinguished reporters that will ask questions after the professors remarks. Without further adieu, here is Professor Giovanni Linguini. LINGUINI Ladies and gentlemen. We are all into gadgets these days, Iphones, flash drives, and smart women. The one’s that guide you when you’re driving. I was driving with a hangover the other day and the GPS lady says “after 300 feet, stop, and let me out.” As you may know I am a romantic and I offer advice on marriage CAPELOTO Professor how many times have you been married. LINGUINI Let’s see, no more than five times. My wives all died of natural causes. CAPELOTO Could you explain? LINGUINI Tina, number one died in an earthquake, Maria, wife 2, died in a hurricane, Josephine, number 3 died in a tidal wave, Marcella number died in a thunder storm, and my fifth wife ran away with my best arry Do you always use big words in your lectures? LINGUINI I never use a big word when a filthy word will do. CAPELOTO What is your opinion of healthy people?

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex and rich foods. He was very healthy right up to the day he killed himself. CAPELOTO Is life fair? LINGUINI If life was fair, Elvis Presley would be alive and all Elvis impersonators would be dead.

WISE GUYS COOKING LINGUINI 3

CAPELOTO A man that needs no introduction but just in case you forgot we have the pleasure of again visiting with one of the top minds in the world. He’s come to us from the University of Bologna in Italy. Let’s have a big round of applause for Professor Giovanni Linguini.

LINGUINI I hope you excuse me for being late, the person who gave me directions here has obviously heard me speak before. Let’s move on. Thank you, today we will talk about that “word called love.” Then I will entertain a few questions after my short comments. Love, not lust, a woman in lust wants chocolate, a woman in love wants diamonds. Love is like happiness. Happiness is finding two olives in your martini when you’re hungry. CAPELOTO You are an excellent speaker, can you give us some tips.

LINGUINI I’m glad you asked. You may not know this but to become a great speaker, you must practice all the time. I have found that it helps putting a bunch of marbles in my mouth while I talk. Slowly but surely you take away a marble. And then another, and when you’ve lost all of your marbles. Ladies an gentlemen and everyone else, that concludes my prepared remarks. CAPELOTO Is it unusual to speak before small crowds? LINGUINI I consider this gathering, is what they all “intimate.” Which means where is everybody. CAPELOTO What is your opinion of people who smoke?

LINGUINI We all know that “smoking kills.” If your killed you’ve lost a very important part of your life. CAPELOTO A follow up question. Do you have any other advice. LINGUINI I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka. CAPELOTO You look very healthy. LINGUINI You know I recently went to the Doctor, he held a stethoscope up to my chest. I said Doc, how do I stand? He said that’s what puzzles me. CAPELOTO I see your wife in the audience, is she always with you? LINGUINI Yes she takes very good care of herself. She went to a beauty show the other day for two hours. She decided to get a mud pack and looked great for two days, then the mud pack fell off. Thank you for being such a great and understanding audience, until next time.

WISE GUYS COOKING Linguini 4

CAPELOTO It’s an honor to share the stage again with a brilliant philosopher and good friend. As you know he received his doctorate from the University of Bologna, Italy and we’re lucky to have him here today. Let’s welcome LINGU LINGUINI Thank you for that great introduction. How many of you like Chinese food. Won Ton Soup? Did you know that there was a study that found that Italians are not fond of Chinese food very much. That could be due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards spell Not Now. Speaking of the Holidays, Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. CAPELOTO I see you are a big fan of Thanksgiving. LINGUINI Yes I am, people travel thousands of miles to be with people they will only see once a year. And then they find out that once a year is enough. CAPELOTO Any ideas on how to prepare a Thanksgiving Turkey? LINGUINI Yes the best way to thaw a frozen turkey is to blow in it’s ear. CAPELOTO Do you have any opinions about marriage?

LINGUINI I have always felt that a wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. CAPELOTO Follow up, how did you meet your current wife and are you happy? LINGUINI You know to be honest, I hope she’s not listening, When I originally met her I thought she was Misses Right, I had no idea her first name was ALWAYS. CAPELOTO What is the secret to being married?

LINGUINI The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. CAPELOTO What about Divorce? LINGUINI Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. CAPELOTO How did you meet your fifth wife.

LINGUINI After the first 15 minutes I wanted to marry her. And after a half hour I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse. CAPELOTO Have you ever taken you wife on a romantic trip. LINGUINI I almost did. Consider me inconsiderate. I won a trip for 2 to Paris. I went twice. CAPELOTO Follow up, are you a good husband? LINGUINI I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine, he gets’ better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar. CAPELOTO When is the last time you saw your wife? LINGUINI I haven’t seen my wife in a month? CAPELOTO Do you miss her.

LINGUINI Not yet. CAPELOTO You’ve been married more than 5 times. LINGUINI That’s right. I’ve been married so many times, I’ve got rice marks on my face. CAPELOTO Is it true that married men live longer than single men? LINGUINI No, it only seems longer. Just remember marriage is a fifty - fifty proposition who ever tells you that is bad at math.

LINGUINI I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex and rich foods. He was very healthy right up to the day he killed himself. CAPELOTO Is life fair? LINGUINI If life was fair, Elvis Presley would be alive and all Elvis impersonators would be dead. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.